Imposter Syndrome and Social Media

    I had a brush with imposter syndrome last week that I am compelled to share in the hopes that it will help anyone that finds themselves in a similar situation.  It all started when I posted a video two weeks ago . . .

I collaborated with my friend and colleague at James Madison University on a project where he recorded some sounds that I made on my tenor saxophone, and then used granular synthesis to make virtual instruments to compose a kind of dreamscape, with the intention of me improvising with his soundtrack.  He describes it as a kind of improvisational feedback loop, where the genesis and the final product are my improvisations, with his masterful sonic creation in between.  You can learn more about Eric Guinivan, this project, and his work at his website:  ericguinivan.com/howl.html

The performance had already been shared from my JMU concert back in September, but I finally got around to isolating the piece and syncing the video from the livestream with the fantastic audio recording by JMU's sound designer, Tom Carr.  I honestly wasn't expecting much of a reaction, but I wanted to share the video with the intent of promoting the piece.  The idea from the beginning was that the piece could be played by anyone, on any instrument, and I personally find Eric's work to be very compelling, a kind of sci-fi tone poem.  In the first few days, the video slightly did better than my usual posts.  Then, it suddenly caught fire.  On Friday morning, I thought that it might hit 10,000 views.  Soon, it was doing that much per hour!  Eric and I were texting back and forth with excitement and awe at what was happening.  In a matter of days, we passed 250,000 views.

Now, this was not the first time that I have had successful videos.  My YouTube channel had well over a thousand subscribers and over 400,000 views.  Somehow, Howl surpassed all my other videos in a few days.  I made no unusual effort to attract attention, and the video is far from clickbait.  It is a 7 minute piece of fairly abstract art, and honestly, it seemed pretty unlikely to go viral.  It was thrilling to accidentally hit the mark with something that we made with vision and integrity.

Then, the negative comments started.

Someone snarked that the ratio of likes to views was sad and posted a barf emoji.  Another user called it "appalling."  Another comment was so nasty that YouTube took it down before I could even process it.  I suddenly turned dark inside and my inner voice said, "This video is popular because people are making fun of you."  Every bone in my body told me to take the video down before this got even more out of hand.  I had a full blown panic attack.

I thought back to the recital, and how I was nervous because I was operating a lot of electronics for this first time in a live setting.  Howl was the third piece on the program, and I started with a very challenging new work on tenor where I used a looper pedal, followed by a performance on duduk (a traditional Armenian instrument) where I created drones live with a pedal.  When I went back to the tenor to play Howl, my reed was a little dry and I squeaked.  I really don't like squeaking, but it happens, and I made the decision to not edit the video because I wanted to present an honest performance.  Suddenly, I found myself rethinking that decision, now that 100,000 people had heard me squeak, and the views were growing exponentially.

After about an hour of self-loathing, I had a moment of clarity.  I took a look at the negative comments and noted that one of the users had very few followers and only one video that is four years old.  Another had no followers or content at all!  How could I have allowed myself to feel like an imposter over nasty comments by three one-thousandths of a percent of 100,000 viewers?  It is so important to remember how much social media messes with our sense of reality.

I have been making pretty esoteric and abstract music for my entire career, and it isn't for everyone, but it is music that comes from my heart and soul.  I am very proud of this work that I did with Eric Guinivan, and I am grateful that it reached such a large audience online.  I am also grateful for this brush with imposter syndrome and how quickly I was able to shake it off.

To me, the lesson is pretty clear:  share your work and never let "likes" or comments determine your self-worth.  The integrity of your preparation and efforts will be evident, and as one of my heroes, Bob Brookmeyer once told me, "If everyone likes your music, write better music!"

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If you are interested in performing Howl, you can find the score video below, and Eric can supply you with a score transposed for whatever instrument you play.  I hope you will give it a try.  The audience loved it and because the sounds originated from my saxophone, it will be a little like playing a duet with me.  How cool is that?

https://www.ericguinivan.com

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